I had a funny conversation yesterday with a friend that I recalled this morning. She said she was feeling extra guilty that day and I joked about how we have different levels of guilt every day over something as mothers and women. Today, I am having a higher than average guilt day. On my female induced guilt-o-meter, that reads between 50 - 500 killoweights (never zero - are we ever experiencing ZERO amount of guilt? And 'killoweights' because of the feeling of guilt weighing us down). My meter is at around 296 killoweights today. Not particularly high, because I've done worse than the things I feel guilty about today, but I've had better days too.
So here are my confessions of a less than perfect mother. They may seem piddly or shocking depending on where your guilt-o-meter registers at today. (o: First, I am feeling bad about something I did this morning. I sent Sarah to school in a cute pink shirt with white lace, white corduroy pants, pink socks, and a white coat. I know, terrible isn't it? That is unless you realize that today is St. Patrick's Day. Now I know this isn't the worst offense a mother has ever committed, but for some kids this is a big deal. For Sarah, I know that this is a BIG deal. I KNOW that once she realized that it was St. Patrick's day - perhaps when a friend got on the bus decked out in green and asked where her green was - she experienced two distinct feelings. One, the sadness of being left out of something, however trivial, something that is a big deal to elementary kids - I remember. Two, the feeling of anger at me for forgetting yet another thing. I've mentioned before how Sarah gets annoyed at how I forget things. This is a perfect example. They are not huge, devastating things, they are more annoying things to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she rolled her eyes as she thought of me forgetting as she tried to hold back tears of being left out of this "holiday".
St. Patrick's Day has been a big deal to Sarah since Kindergarten, when she made a fantastic leprechaun trap with her daddy and presented it to her class. Every year, we now have to set up a trap for "Lucky" the leprechaun the night before (which we forgot also!) and definitely wear green. Sometimes we even have green milk or other treats to celebrate this funny "holiday". We always try to make it fun. But we have been a little distracted as we have been having a super fun visit from grandma and grandpa and aunt Chrissy. We were watching movies and swimming at grandma and grandpa's hotel pool until 10 p.m. last night.
My other guilt has come from something a little more scary and less trivial. During the before-mentioned swimming at the hotel pool last night, I kept gravitating toward the hot tub. It has been pretty cold here in Portland lately and a nice hot bathtub sounded more appealing than the cool pool water. Of course, the girls didn't mind the cooler water and wanted to be in the big pool. At one point, Angela wanted to go back to the big pool and I let her go on the condition that she stay right on the stairs. My mom and Chrissy were right by her, but they were in their clothes on the side of the pool. Sarah was also swimming close by.
I had a nagging feeling that I should go be by her, but I wanted to stay warm. So instead, I watched her like a hawk from a distance too far away. And sure enough, she was having a little too much fun and stepped off the bottom stair. I took off to help her - it was all in slow motion. Sarah was actually closest to her and in what felt like minutes, but was really just a few seconds, Chrissy called to Sarah to grab Angela. Sarah swam right over and picked up her poor sister who just went under after doing a panicked doggie paddle for a couple seconds. I felt the weight of guilt instantly. What was I thinking being so far away, just so I could stay warm? Selfish. I also felt so grateful for Sarah who was quite calm and went right over to help her sister. She was our little hero. Angela did have aunt Chrissy and grandma right there too, who would have gotten in to get her, clothes and all, and I could have grabbed her a second or two later, but it was dumb to not stay closer to her. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
So the guilt-o-meter is at a healthy medium high today. It's always fluctuating, but rarely gets very low.
Just an additional note: After writing this, I went to Fred Meyer to find some fun St. Patrick's Day necklaces or headbands or something to surprise Sarah with. I found a cute green four leaf clover lei and a crown with a flashing green clover. Angela and Natalie got to pick one too, as they were my little 'helpers'. They were excited to surprise Sarah and Natalie even said a prayer that morning that Sarah wouldn't be too sad about not wearing green. (o:
I took the surprises to Sarah during her lunch/recess time. When I got there she was surprised to see me, of course, and I asked, "Were you sad that we forgot to have you wear green?" She said, "Nah." Well, so much for my whole imagined story mentioned above. I was shocked. Sarah is growing up. She then said she was a little disappointed, but she was fine. When I pulled out my little surprises, she got a big grin that made my little "mission" worth it. She put on her crown and necklace and I watched her go skipping out to her friends at recess. It made me feel so happy to see my cute 8 year old skipping all the way across the playground. I guess I underestimated her ability to get over little disappointments. And I guess I overreacted about things and should not have felt so guilty.
Huh . . . who knew?
So here are my confessions of a less than perfect mother. They may seem piddly or shocking depending on where your guilt-o-meter registers at today. (o: First, I am feeling bad about something I did this morning. I sent Sarah to school in a cute pink shirt with white lace, white corduroy pants, pink socks, and a white coat. I know, terrible isn't it? That is unless you realize that today is St. Patrick's Day. Now I know this isn't the worst offense a mother has ever committed, but for some kids this is a big deal. For Sarah, I know that this is a BIG deal. I KNOW that once she realized that it was St. Patrick's day - perhaps when a friend got on the bus decked out in green and asked where her green was - she experienced two distinct feelings. One, the sadness of being left out of something, however trivial, something that is a big deal to elementary kids - I remember. Two, the feeling of anger at me for forgetting yet another thing. I've mentioned before how Sarah gets annoyed at how I forget things. This is a perfect example. They are not huge, devastating things, they are more annoying things to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she rolled her eyes as she thought of me forgetting as she tried to hold back tears of being left out of this "holiday".
St. Patrick's Day has been a big deal to Sarah since Kindergarten, when she made a fantastic leprechaun trap with her daddy and presented it to her class. Every year, we now have to set up a trap for "Lucky" the leprechaun the night before (which we forgot also!) and definitely wear green. Sometimes we even have green milk or other treats to celebrate this funny "holiday". We always try to make it fun. But we have been a little distracted as we have been having a super fun visit from grandma and grandpa and aunt Chrissy. We were watching movies and swimming at grandma and grandpa's hotel pool until 10 p.m. last night.
My other guilt has come from something a little more scary and less trivial. During the before-mentioned swimming at the hotel pool last night, I kept gravitating toward the hot tub. It has been pretty cold here in Portland lately and a nice hot bathtub sounded more appealing than the cool pool water. Of course, the girls didn't mind the cooler water and wanted to be in the big pool. At one point, Angela wanted to go back to the big pool and I let her go on the condition that she stay right on the stairs. My mom and Chrissy were right by her, but they were in their clothes on the side of the pool. Sarah was also swimming close by.
I had a nagging feeling that I should go be by her, but I wanted to stay warm. So instead, I watched her like a hawk from a distance too far away. And sure enough, she was having a little too much fun and stepped off the bottom stair. I took off to help her - it was all in slow motion. Sarah was actually closest to her and in what felt like minutes, but was really just a few seconds, Chrissy called to Sarah to grab Angela. Sarah swam right over and picked up her poor sister who just went under after doing a panicked doggie paddle for a couple seconds. I felt the weight of guilt instantly. What was I thinking being so far away, just so I could stay warm? Selfish. I also felt so grateful for Sarah who was quite calm and went right over to help her sister. She was our little hero. Angela did have aunt Chrissy and grandma right there too, who would have gotten in to get her, clothes and all, and I could have grabbed her a second or two later, but it was dumb to not stay closer to her. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
So the guilt-o-meter is at a healthy medium high today. It's always fluctuating, but rarely gets very low.
Just an additional note: After writing this, I went to Fred Meyer to find some fun St. Patrick's Day necklaces or headbands or something to surprise Sarah with. I found a cute green four leaf clover lei and a crown with a flashing green clover. Angela and Natalie got to pick one too, as they were my little 'helpers'. They were excited to surprise Sarah and Natalie even said a prayer that morning that Sarah wouldn't be too sad about not wearing green. (o:
I took the surprises to Sarah during her lunch/recess time. When I got there she was surprised to see me, of course, and I asked, "Were you sad that we forgot to have you wear green?" She said, "Nah." Well, so much for my whole imagined story mentioned above. I was shocked. Sarah is growing up. She then said she was a little disappointed, but she was fine. When I pulled out my little surprises, she got a big grin that made my little "mission" worth it. She put on her crown and necklace and I watched her go skipping out to her friends at recess. It made me feel so happy to see my cute 8 year old skipping all the way across the playground. I guess I underestimated her ability to get over little disappointments. And I guess I overreacted about things and should not have felt so guilty.
Huh . . . who knew?
2 comments:
Ugh. My guilt meter goes higher when things like that swimming thing happen to me. Things like that rarely happen and when they do (fortunately) they are minor compared to other people's stories, but it makes you stop and think a little too much about what could have happened. My guilt meter has been up since I took Luke skiing down an intermediate run that turned out to be as close to a black diamond as you can get. It really shook me. Ugh! Then we ran off the road a few days later and my guilt meter went sky high.
You are a great mom. I don't want you to ever feel guilty, but I'm so happy to know that your guilt meter is up for such silly things. It's really great to know that you take your job as Mother so seriously. I wish everyone did. Really though, when you look at it from someone else's shoes it's actually really great she went under the water for a few seconds because she has now really learned her lesson about water and that is a very positive thing.
I hear you on the guilt-o-meter...and I couldn't be happier to have a "name" to call it...and you are absolutely correct that it is never at zero!! I feel guilty DAILY for having Kora take "rest time" during Jared's nap so I can gain a "sanity moment" that I like to call my "prep hour" that teachers get.
As for forgetting St. Patty's Day...you and I must have been breathing the same air that day. We were driving back from Utah that day stuck all day in the car (from Ike's grandma's funeral). The kids always follow the leperchan trail to their pot of gold. They asked me where it was! I didn't even have the gold coins!! They kept asking and I scoured the town so we could have a late trail...and never found the choco coins!! I felt SO guilty for not planning ahead with the coins. I don't think I will be forgetting next year!!
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